Friday, July 10, 2015

My Heart

Seven years ago tonight, at this very time, I was sitting in the ER holding the lifeless body of my sweet and beautiful Alex. She died in the car, in the back seat while I was stuck on the highway because of an accident. There was a lot of cars backed up. I heard her die. I heard her and I sat there screaming and crying and no one could help me. I never in my life felt so helpless, horrible and broken. I ran into the ER with her carrier crying and screaming "NO NO NO! this can't be! Please no!"
And then they brought her to me, wrapped in a blanket, so I could say goodbye. I just couldn't say it. I drove home and my boyfriend at the time pulled up on his motorcycle coming home from work. He asked me if Alex was staying overnight at the vet. I told him she was gone. He immediately started crying as hard as I was. I got out of my car, he got off his bike and we stood in the middle of the street holding each other and crying so hard we couldn't breathe. I will never, ever, ever get over this.
I don't think about it that much anymore. But that little girl was the best thing that ever happened to me. she was an angel in a cat's body. She loved me more than any human ever did. I thought I would die right along with her. There wasn't anyone that didn't love her, she was utter sweetness. My boyfriend never liked cats. But she immediately turned him into a cat daddy. She loved him so hard he had no choice. I was a zombie for months after she died. But she visited me several times and I felt her here.
Part of me sometimes feels like she was a dream. A beautiful, beautiful dream. And then I remember everything. She sent Finnegan and Lacey to me, no doubt in my mind. Because they make me laugh so much and that's what I needed most after she died. She's a guardian angel now and stands at the gates to meet each kitty we lose to this horrid HORRID disease that took the love of my life. And I'm not one bit surprised at how glorious she is, and always was. My angel, my soulmate. I love you so much Alex. I never stop holding you in my heart.