Pages

Friday, July 10, 2015

My Heart

Seven years ago tonight, at this very time, I was sitting in the ER holding the lifeless body of my sweet and beautiful Alex. She died in the car, in the back seat while I was stuck on the highway because of an accident. There was a lot of cars backed up. I heard her die. I heard her and I sat there screaming and crying and no one could help me. I never in my life felt so helpless, horrible and broken. I ran into the ER with her carrier crying and screaming "NO NO NO! this can't be! Please no!"
And then they brought her to me, wrapped in a blanket, so I could say goodbye. I just couldn't say it. I drove home and my boyfriend at the time pulled up on his motorcycle coming home from work. He asked me if Alex was staying overnight at the vet. I told him she was gone. He immediately started crying as hard as I was. I got out of my car, he got off his bike and we stood in the middle of the street holding each other and crying so hard we couldn't breathe. I will never, ever, ever get over this.
I don't think about it that much anymore. But that little girl was the best thing that ever happened to me. she was an angel in a cat's body. She loved me more than any human ever did. I thought I would die right along with her. There wasn't anyone that didn't love her, she was utter sweetness. My boyfriend never liked cats. But she immediately turned him into a cat daddy. She loved him so hard he had no choice. I was a zombie for months after she died. But she visited me several times and I felt her here.
Part of me sometimes feels like she was a dream. A beautiful, beautiful dream. And then I remember everything. She sent Finnegan and Lacey to me, no doubt in my mind. Because they make me laugh so much and that's what I needed most after she died. She's a guardian angel now and stands at the gates to meet each kitty we lose to this horrid HORRID disease that took the love of my life. And I'm not one bit surprised at how glorious she is, and always was. My angel, my soulmate. I love you so much Alex. I never stop holding you in my heart.


18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Beautiful tribute. Lovely to read – Kerri

pcat said...

So beautiful! We do feel the same, we all have that one special kitty that comes into our lives.
Sending you Hugs & butterfly kisses

SammysMom said...

Huge hugs, Lisa (((())))

IBDKitties said...

Thank you so much my friends. It means the world to me to have your love and support.

Gina Norris said...

Dear Lisa,

I can't imagine the trauma and pain you experienced with Alex's death. My heart is with you on this 7th anniversary. I know that the memory will never leave you, but I am so glad that Alex brought you Finney and Lacey, and that they bring light and even more love into your life.

With love,

Gina

~ dee ~ said...

Feeling this with you......

~ dee ~ said...

Feeling this with you......

Carol Rohr said...

I remember when you lost Alex. I cried with you when I found out. Your tribute to her here was so beautiful, Lisa. I cried as I read it. I feel for you. Anniversaries are so hard for me too. Your love for her and hers for you will go on forever and ever. (((hugs)))

linda mccarthy said...

hi lisa, long time no hear, wow she's been gone 7 years, it's hard to believe. I remember you coming in the store and returning stuff to try something else that she could eat, trying different diets and cans and even raw, anything that she could have that didn't make her sick. I lost my sammy last year, he was almost 18, but lived a good life, it was so hard to say goodbye! glad Finn and lacey are such sweet kitties and are doing well, miss seeing some of the videos you used to send me. I'm disabled now, can't work anymore, I have a degenerative nerve disorder that affects my wwlking, but I still enjoy as much as I can, including a new boy named luke, who thinks he's a dog and acts like a small boy, he's crazy and I love him! write me sometime, I use a tablet and can only respond to emails, not generate yet. see yah suka! linda (go4ace@yahoo.com)

Eileen Fazzini said...

A beautiful tribute. You speak for all of us who have lost our best friends. It never, ever gets any easier.

Anonymous said...

No matter how much time goes by, we still miss them. My Ben has been gone since 2003 and Natasha left us just over three years ago. We never forget their personality and how they change our lives. Alex changed your life in so many ways. You have helped so many people with the same disease that claimed Alex. You decided that no other person would not receive the important information to help their cat. It took guts and courage. Some people just close their hearts and walk away. You created a website in Alex's honor/memory and brought both Finney and Lacey into your heart. You became a fighter for others. Thank you.
Alex would be proud of you.....Love is always there....Your friend, Sharon

Robert said...

Love and hugs!!

kittyquartetmom said...

They are always with us. Time may lessen the pain a tiny bit, but it still there. I think fondly of all the pups & kits I have lost. The light that came out of that tragedy is that Alex, through you, has been instrumental in saving many lives, and helping other kitties & their humans deal with this horrible illness. I am able to help Maizy with what I have learned from you both. I do have to add her to your page one of these days. You know, I think because they love us so wholly unconditionally, and give us all of themselves - that is what is so very precious. That twinkling star in the sky? It is surely a loved 4 footer winking down.

IBDKitties said...

Thank you everyone, Carol I still have the emails you sent me when Alex died. You were so instrumental in helping me through it. So many of you were. It's beautiful to me that after all these years, all of you and I are still close. Thank you for your friendship and love, each one of you. It means the world to me.

Deanna Chaunet said...

Oh how I can relate. What a wonderful tribute. It has been 3 1/2 years since my beloved Topaz died and a little over 2 years since his brother Idoms died. Both were my angels also. I had never experienced so much unconditional love in my entire life. They both opened my eyes to be a better person. They gave truly all of themselves to me for 17 1/2 and 19 years and my heart still aches every day that I do not have them in my life. But they are forever in my heart. After their passing, they too visited me in different ways, finally leading me to adopt two more brothers just 5 months ago who were only 7 weeks old. My new little guys remind me how very precious all kitties are and how wonderful are these gifts from G-d. Though our grieving gets a little easier each day, it still lingers forever because of the strong bond we shared with our loved, lost ones. We never forget the precious and wonderful moments in our lives that we shared with our kitties, through good times and bad, through health and illness, through rescue till death. It is a love so strong it will always be there forever.

da tabbies o trout towne said...

what's totally awesome lisa is that in 70 years, alex will still be remembered because
of all the work you and she have done in helping those with IBD.... ♥♥♥ not many have that legacy ~~~~~~~ hope all is well with the hooligans =^..^=

IBDKitties said...

Thank you Tabbies, we love and miss you dearly. You and your wonderful sense of humor. I would like to think that's a possibility, that legacy. However these days, I don't feel that's the case. But at least we'll have tried.

Catherine Hiller LaValle said...

Hi Lisa, I just found your ibdkitties site and blog. My heart goes out to you. I have three kitties, two 9 years old and one 5 years old. The latter is Keaton, who has digestive issues including pancreatitis and I fear is on his way to IBD. I am very scared. But I want you to know that it means so much to me that you have turned your grief into a motivation to help others. I will study your site. Bless you and your furry children, Cate.